The Benchman: Celebrity chef takes charge at Celtic Park

Name the Scotland player and the team he's playing against. Tweet your answer @FalkirkHeraldSp
Name the Scotland player and the team he's playing against. Tweet your answer @FalkirkHeraldSp

The Benchman visits Carmuirs Park to watch former Falkirk striker and ‘Hearts Destroyer’ Colin Samuel turn out for Sauchie Juniors and wonders

LET’S BE ‘AVING YOU: OMG! I honestly thought that BBC cookery star Delia Smith had taken over as Celtic manager. Well, that would have broken the pies/Bovril/spearmint chews and macaroon bars cuisine at Parkhead once and for all. The billboards all told us the same story - Delia revealed as new Celtic boss. I texted all my pals. Have you heard the latest? Then I looked more closely at the hoardings. For Delia, read Deila. What a let down. The Norwich recipe queen would have been a much more interesting choice, and she wouldn’t have had to buy a new scarf.

CALYPSO SOCCER: Summer. Sun. Sand. A tropical breeze. Cocktails under the shade of a palm tree. Not at Carmuirs Park, Camelon, on a June Saturday. Cold. Rain. Windy. A Bovril clutched leaning against the wall to keep dry. I was there to watch Collin Samuel, erstwhile Brockville hero and Hearts Destroyer strutting his stuff for the mighty Sauchie. He looked heavier than in his heyday, and his waist-length dreadlocks were pulled back into a ponytail that most models would envy. There were odd lashes of the vintage Sammy - the darting burst and a venomous shot, but it was great to see him again.

HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE: Wish I had a fiver for all the Bairns fans who were at the Camelon game convinced they knew who the new manager was going to be. An indiscreet club director was the most common source of the leaks, but amazingly he seemed to have given them all a different name. They should know by now that the new manager is always, but always, seen in Benny T’s or BTW and is looking at houses in Larbert.

TOP SIX FINISH: John ‘show us your six pack’ Collins is being touted as the assistant to Ronny Deila at Parkhead. Could be interesting once the team return to pre-season training.

PETRIE OUT: What do you make of the Hibs campaign to get rid of their chairman? The guy is an accountant and has balanced the books in successive seasons. That’s not good enough. They are a football club. Bring in people who know how to run a football club and make money into the bargain. We have a parachute payment and if we don’t get back up in one go - we get more money. Watch this space.

HOLT THE FRONT PAGE: By Thursday Gary Holt had been air-brushed out of the Herald advert for Falkirk season tickets. Think of all those letters signed by the former manager arriving the day he leaves. Tip for next year - don’t use any players or managers in the advert.

ANSWERS: Last week’s gymnast was John White and the Bairns keepers who were in World Cup Finals were Tommy Younger and Thomson Allan.

TEASER: Which Scotland keeper had seven goals put past him - twice.