New shiny gear still can't make me look cool

A sponsored bike ride of 46 miles left me feeling a little sore (understatement of the century) in the backside department so I was on the hunt for some padded bottom shorts or long pants, well, better ones than I had anyway.

The cycle ride was for the Friends of Zetland Park effort to raise money to refurbish the Grangemouth and was organised by local legend Jim Bennie with a fantastic team of people.

I was a bit envious of the nice, shiny, tight lycra products the other cyclists wore on the ride and as I was planning to get out on the bike more, I was determined to also look the part when trying to trim some of ever-growing timber that hangs above my belt.

On a trip back up from Durham with my daughter I chanced into Decathlon at Hermiston Gait and felt like I had walked into some sort of outdoors paradise.

It had everything I was looking for, and more, so I couldn’t wait until the next payday to indulge in a spot of retail therapy.

Like Mitch when he excitedly loads up a flatbed trolley with diapers, I was filling my basket with anything cycling I could get my hands on – gloves, gel padded shorts, breathable fabric socks, shoe insoles, a pump, shades and figure-hugging tops a couple of sizes too big so they’re not so figure-hugging on me.

So, couldn’t wait to get the new gear on and get out when I got home and set off on my usual route. I was pedalling along, singing to the tunes in my earphones when some sort of insect flew into my mouth almost choking me until I eventually had to swallow it.

I didn’t look so cool at that point in my new gear.