My judgement could be a little impaired just now because I was unlucky enough to be present in Falkirk Cineworld last weekend when they happened to be showing 50 Shades Darker, the M&S S&M clunker of a follow up to 50 Shades of Grey.
The only thing it had going for it was that at least it wasn’t a direct copy of something that has already graced – or in this case, disgraced – the screen.
As the annual backslapping beano that is the Oscars – aka the warm up event for the La La Land Winner’s Party – draws ever nearer it seems Hollywood is running out of fresh ideas and has to stretch its greasy, money grabbing fingers back into the past to grasp some inspiration.
I’ve always hated remakes, but now that I’m getting older the targets for these bloody reboots are falling into the era that I remember most fondly – the 1980s.
Violent offender spat on and tried to bite female officer at Falkirk Police Station
'Bored' Grangemouth offender abused alcohol and street Valium
Bonnybridge offender told partner 'your car's getting it' then slashed her tyre
Career criminal with 229 convictions pinched £180 of clothing from Falkirk Next store
Falkirk offender subjects woman (77) to five frightening minutes of verbal abuse
There have been rumours of plans to bring my two favourite John Carpenter/Kurt Russell classics back to the big screen and you know whatever special effects or other jazz they can inject into proceedings, new versions of Big Trouble in Little China and Escape From New York are never going to hold a flame-thrower to the originals.
I mean, they’re actually talking about casting The Rock, or Dwayne Dibbley as he’s now known, as vest sporting trucker Jack Burton.
There are also plans to remake horror effects comedy An American Werewolf in London, Roy Scheider chopper copper drama Blue Thunder and even David Lynch’s sandy epic Dune.
Hollywood, leave my formative film going years alone and try and come up with something original.