I was nabbed by the zapper trapper coppers

In over a quarter of a century of motoring I haven’t had a single point on my licence. I’ve crashed a few times, broken down on a couple of occasions and even had a flat tyre once.

This one time in Glasgow I even went down a one way street and had to reverse for about 100 yards as a double decker bus drove directly at me.

I’ve driven all the way up from the Norfolk Broads in eight hours with only one stop for petrol, winding my way along little hillside paths and trails where only sheep have gone before because the Sat Nav threw a wobbler and decided to head off the beaten track.

I’ve driven so many miles I can hold my head high whenever I eat a Yorkie Bar.

So I’m driving up the Kirk Entry road towards Polmont and my wife tells me she’s only got six minutes to catch her train to Edinburgh.

I put the foot down and see what I initially thought was two wee luminous garden gnomes away in the distance at the top of the hill.

One of the gnomes raised his arm and it wasn’t holding a fishing rod.

They were Kojaks with a Kodak and I got done – quite rightly, I hasten to add – for doing 42mph in a 30mph area.

Three points on the licence and a £100 fine.

Jayne actually made her train despite the wee delay and as I drove home with my son asking me if I was upset, I saw the cops pull over another motorist they had just zapped.

Hopefully they went off shift and enjoyed a sausage roll from Greggs knowing they had made the roads a little safer.

I went home and played Caught by the Fuzz by Supergrass at full bung.