Sandy’s Garden ... ‘Twas Christmas Day in the Greenhouse

Sandy Simpson
Sandy Simpson

This week’s column takes the form of a poetic fancy.

‘Twas Christmas Day in the greenhouse,

And I couldn’t believe what I saw!

An elf, in green top and trousers,

Stood by the open door.

I rubbed my eyes in sheer wonder

And I looked again; and, yes,

There was an elf in the garden;

I had to believe my eyes.

“Excuse me, sir,” I ventured;

He started at the sound

And made as if to run off

But stopped and turned around.

“It may be that you can help me,

For I am on a quest.

I’m charged with finding LSD,

Or peanuts, Thai sticks, or best

Of all, some high standard Charlie.”

“What’s this of which you speak?”

I asked in some confusion.

“You might be talking Greek

For all the sense you are making.”

“I thought that you’d have known

These are common names for a few drugs,”

He said, and gave a frown.

“You are plainly unware that

We elves have constant need

Of ganja, goof balls, of cartwheels,

Of skunk, or skag or weed;

And maybe, too, you do not know

What need we have for them?”

I nodded my agreement. He,

Now warming to his theme,

Said: “We elves are close to fairies.

But as fey we are not.

And so to close this perceived gap,

We elves resort to pot.”

“You’ll not find that stuff in my greenhouse,”

I said. “I’ve checked; that’s true;

But you might be truly astonished

By what your neighbours grow.”

“So just who was it sent you?”

And why on Christmas Day?”

“As to why I came at Christmas -

I came on Santa’s sleigh.

And I came to your town on a mission

To ensure a steady supply

Of drugs for the government bureau

I work for; it’s Elfin Stay-fey!”

Now can you name a location

Where I might find a store

Of potent hallucinogens?”

I scratched my head. “Hmm, no.”

I answered him. “Well, so be it.”

He turned; and in no more than

A blink of an eye, a mere twinkling,

My elven guest was gone.

‘Twas Christmas Day in the greenhouse,

And I couldn’t believe what I’d seen!

An elf, in green top and trousers,

Who was clearly a part of the scene.

But now, though I scanned the garden

The elf had vanished away.

To this very day I still wonder

If he caught up with Santa’s sleigh!